You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
