So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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