I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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