is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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