the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
