Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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