Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
