If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
