I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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