i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
