Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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