ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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