I miss vodka workout Fridays
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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