My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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