He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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