we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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