I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
