We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
