you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
