Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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