how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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