I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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