that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
