I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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