you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
