If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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