You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
