I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
