It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
