i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
