A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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