we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
