I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
