roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
