you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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