I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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