All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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