I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
