Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
