Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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