He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I looked at my own cervix.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
