Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
