Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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