It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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