Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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