It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
