Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
