Welp...herpes.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
