While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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