____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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