OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
