fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
