Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
